Sitaare Gardish Mein

Before you start reading this article, please google a quote by Prime Minister Narendra Modi and read it. After you finish reading this article, repeat this exercise.

Background 

The Censor Board (No point calling it CBFC, since the certification is a ruse and censoring the main job) has imposed several cuts on Sitaare Zameen Par, Aamir Khan’s latest film which is now in theatres. Two unspecified cuts were originally sought, and after appeals to revisions committee, they were replaced by five new objections. Some of them are: 1. Insert a quote by Prime Minister Narendra Modi 2. Replace word “Kamal” with lotus. 3. Replace word “businesswoman” with “businessperson” and “Michael Jackson” with “love birds.” 

Now we all know why PM Modi’s dialogue quote had to be there. In an ideal world, all cinema halls would run his dialogues, speeches, videos, photos 24*7. But we don’t live in an ideal world.  

But the rest of the changes? Everyone I asked couldn’t make head or tale of it. “We can’t make sense of it, but have you seen Varun Grover’s film ‘Kiss’ which is on Mubi.com, it tries to compassionately look at the motivations of those who censor” became the template answer I got from everyone.  

I got consumed by the mystery. Channeling Matthew McConaughey, I stayed up all night trying to solve the mystery, with all pieces of the puzzle pinned on a board, me trying to find connections between them. I was almost going to give up, when I finally saw it. Truth is stranger than fiction but sometimes one struggles to see it even when it’s right in front of you. A famous Sherlock Holmes line- “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” The impossible here was the explanation coming from the usual suspects. Something on the lines of – the CBFC is full of incompetent oafs who get sadistic joy out of mutilating movies, think Indian adult citizens cannot decide what to watch, and focus exclusively on pleasing the ruling party. This, I repeat, is impossible. Let’s move to the improbable. 

Exposing Varun Grover- According to Sources. 

Off late, Kunal Kamra has been getting all the attention and publicity. His chief competitor, Varun Grover had made a short film and released it on Mubi. You don’t have to google Mubi, it’s the platform full of movies no one watches. Varun, stricken by jealousy, and lacking any serious budget to publicize the movie was desperate.   

The censor board was struggling to find something in Aamir Khan’s film to criticize. His name makes it mandatory that something is cut. The censors approached Grover. My sources have shared the exact conversation which happened. 

Mr. Censor: Aamir may have managed to make a film they can find nothing wrong with.  

Varun: Yahan se aapki problem shuru hoti hai. 

Mr. Censor: Hamein ek aise aadmi ki zarurat hai jo aamir ki film se kuch censor karne ke liye nikaal sake. Varun, hamein tumhari zarurat hai aur hum tumhari har zarurat poori kar sakte hain. Manzoor hai? 

Varun turned to the window in their office. 

Mr. Censor: Kya dekh rahe ho? 

Varun: Main dekh raha hun. Ek stand up comedian aur debut director, Kamra ki tarakki aur content industry ki saturation se nidhaal.. mujhe aapka sauda Manzoor hai censor sahab. 

The rest, as we know, is history.  When I sent grover a message about this, he replied with "HAHAHAHAHA". Now the haha here (he should have censored a few ha's) is not haha so funny or haha so ridiculous. It is the 80s hindi movie villian haha. Ideally there should be a censor board for messages also, first the message could go to this board and then if approved sent to receiver. But, I digress. 

My first clue was the change of business woman to business person. These woke people always give themselves away. After that, it was too much of a co-incidence that his film had come out at the same time as the Sitaare Zameen Par controversy. Everyone I spoke to kept mentioning Kiss, his film. If you don't believe my exposé, watch his film. All doubts will vanish. 

Crime Prevention 

There is no point judging the conspirators. The solution is also simple. Only and only CBFC members should be allowed to produce films. The crew should be constituted 100% of CBFC approved people. Instead of someone else investing money, emotions, effort and time in a film and then CBFC rejecting it, won’t it be better if the exclusive license to make films is given to the CBFC? Then they can shoot kisses as long or short as they want, include PM Modi’s quote or speeches, do whatever they want. The film industry people will also save money, right now they keep having to rush to Delhi to click selfies or tweet whenever asked to but still struggle to clear their films. Too much waste in this system.  

And don’t worry. Indians will neither notice, nor protest. We love it when our government acts like we aren’t adults. We become adults only when required to vote. We really need someone to protect us from the films we go to watch after paying 600 bucks for each ticket. My sugar drops and BP rises every time I try to imagine the catastrophe which would have happened if the movie said business woman instead of person, or Michael Jackson instead of lovebirds. If the Indian government doesn’t protect the sentiments of Michael Jackson fans, who will? It is time the government goes all the way.  

An edited version of this piece was first published on Quint.com.